This was my 12-year-old’s solution this morning. “I hate emotions. I’m just mad and then I do bad things so I’m just going to stop having emotions!”
Have you ever felt this way? It’s actually not uncommon. Whether we’re aware of it or not they’re probably quite a few emotions you may be avoiding. This is our brain trying to protect us.
Maybe others emotions weren’t safe when we were kids.
Maybe they’re explosive or manipulative.
Maybe we were raised in a home where we were expected to be happy all the time.
Maybe you were made to feel responsible for other people’s feelings.
Maybe we just weren’t taught how to experience emotions in a healthy and safe way.
So our subconscious brains answer to keep us safe is don’t have any emotions. Sadly that’s not really an option. Feelings and emotions exist and even if we’ve seemingly “turned them off”. In reality they still exist and are just being denied and probably stuffed.
Because they exist whether we acknowledge them or not, in reality there are three outcomes with emotions:
1- Let our emotions run our lives. Essentially this could look like I feel it so I express it whether it’s productive and healthy and safe or not.
2- Deny or stuff our emotions which really means they just build up and either come out in outbursts or in physical and emotional disease because they have to be expressed somehow.
3- Learn how to feel and expression emotions in safe and healthy ways. (An amazing side note this heals our relationships and our physical and emotional health!)
So how are you personally doing with emotions? If there’s a history where you weren’t taught or they weren’t safe feeling emotion can actually really be scary. The first place to start is teaching your subconscious and your nervous system that it’s okay and safe to feel emotions. You can begin this healing by taking a moment when you feel something to just take a deep breath and sit with it. Remind yourself that you are safe and that you don’t have to do anything but acknowledge the feeling. Go ahead and name it and breathe through it and feel it. This alone can really often be all your body needs. To name it and allow it. Give yourself just a couple minutes to do that. Then take a deep breath and ask yourself “where do I want to go from here?” “What thoughts or perceptions are connected to this emotion?” “Am I sure they are true?” “And what do I want instead?* These questions take the immediate intense response and help move the blood flow to the front of your brain where you can problem solve and make decisions about how to move forward. Very calming and very empowering.
Practicing this simple exercise actually helps rewire the brain that emotions can be safe and that you have power and choice in every situation.
And please know you are not alone! Modeling and teaching healthy emotional regulation and expression is just not common in our society! Most of us were not taught this growing up. It comes up with almost every client I work with. However we can learn it now and model it for our kids! This is vital! Vital in our role as parents and vital for the health and well being of ourselves and our relationships.
Learn more with this podcast at https://www.livingthejoyfullife.com/LIVINGTHEJOYFULLIFE/ep5-how-to-have-healthy-emotions/ and please reach out for a session. You can heal physically and emotionally, I’m here to help.