Did you know there are three phases of marriage?
Is your marriage what you always dreamed it would be? Is it strong, unified, loving and peaceful? Is it complete bliss? I mean it! Think of the movies, yes the cheesy chick flicks and rom-coms (I admit I love them), and what about the fairy tales…happily ever after, true love? Too much? Ok, then what about eternal marriage?
I’m talking better than the fairy tales! I’m here to tell you that TRUE love, ETERNAL love, marital unity and bliss, deep abiding trust and connection ARE POSSIBLE! Not only is it possible, it’s what Heavenly Father intended for us.
Wow, see no fairy tale, just Divinely appointed. By the way I had to look up “exultant ecstasy”. Dictionary.com says exultant: highly elated; jubilant; triumphant and ecstasy: rapturous delight; an overpowering emotion or exaltation; a state of sudden, intense feeling!
Keep reading because knowledge IS power! Here are the 3 phases of marriage and how to achieve this exultant ecstasy…
Phase 1 The honeymoon phase: We all know this one, falling in love, we’re on our best behavior, rose colored glasses, the other can do no wrong. This can last a few months to a few years. At some point reality, bills, work, etc. set in and you discover…what your dearly beloved is not in fact perfect?!
Which leads to…
Phase 2 Power Struggle: Yeah, ick. Bills, kids, mortgages, not enough sleep, etc. enter the picture and before you know it your prince or princess at some moments more closely resembles the villain in the fairy tale. You have needs that never seem met, he needs more from you too, “you don’t understand me”, and on and on. In this stage several things can happen. For some couples the “power struggle” is more evident with him vs. her, ignoring the others needs, maybe contention and being vocal and criticizing. Some couples just end up living separate lives and existing in the same space but not connected at all. “You just do your thing and I’ll do mine.” Often one or both spouses become passionate about things or causes outside their marriages like work, the kids, volunteering, etc. to attain the validation, connection and importance they need but are not finding in their marriage. Whatever it looks like the truth is the marriage is lacking and disconnected.
So if our goal is celestial marriage and Christ like love, what are we even to do? Ahh phase 3, a possibility many couples are not even aware of.
Phase 3 Conscious marriage: unity, connection, unconditional love, seeing and hearing each other, meeting our own needs and putting the other first, forgiveness, sharing goals and interests. When Shannon and Dino Watt taught us this concept they were quick to point out that in some ways conscious marriage looks and even feels like the honeymoon phase yet it’s NOT really going back to that phase but rather maturing through power struggle to maturity and unity. Common goals, understanding and honoring each other more than the rose colored and somewhat ignorant bliss of honey moon phase. For me conscious marriage (or what I think is an even better term, celestial marriage) is me healing, coming to Christ and being my best self and my spouse doing the same then meeting in a totally unified, Christ centered marriage!
Sounds incredible right? Not only incredible but possible!
You’ve heard of or seen the “marriage triangle” right? All about including Heavenly Father in your marriage.
Well this morning one of my mentoring students shared this idea with me. Frankly I love it! I think it represents conscious marriage perfectly!
It’s a marriage arrow. See both spouses individually striving to be connected to Heavenly Father and be their best selves both moving closer and closer to each other in the process. Conscious marriage at it’s best.
So where are you? Which phase? Now that you know this information you can move into conscious marriage and if you’re already there you can identify when you fall back into power struggle and course correct.
So HOW do you get to conscious marriage, and YES it is real and possible! Well, knowledge it exists is a great start. Then work on yourself. Really. See often the world says to focus on the problem, but we know that “we get what we focus on” (Pearson, Ensign, May 2009). The world says if you focus on the marriage or the parenting or the money problems, etc. you’ll find solutions. But the Apostles say focus on the doctrine (Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has taught: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.” 1) . You see the fastest way to a conscious or celestial marriage is to focus on your relationship with Heavenly Father, your testimony, your covenants and living in a Christ like way and of course loving your spouse in a Christ like way.
I know this to be true. I’ve lived it myself. Through obedience and the grace of God we have found personal healing and marital unity and bliss. As you work on yourself and heal and come unto Christ you automatically invite your spouse to do the same, then you are on that arrow path or both of you coming to God and getting closer in the process.
What if your spouse won’t? Still worry about yourself, take your concerns to the Lord. He loves you both and will provide. “With God all things are possible.” (Matt. 19:26 ,Mark 10:27; Luke 18:27 ).
Happiness is a choice, marital bliss is possible! What are you waiting for?
And just FYI, if you need it, my mentoring programs are all about helping you heal and work on yourself and become whole in Christ, so if you feel having someone share and show you the way would serve you, let’s talk.
President Kimball’s full talk, Oneness in Marriage, here
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